Sunday, January 10, 2010

Star Wars - The Short Version

Here's my version of the short version of Star Wars. Please forgive me.

The movie is as you know it, until this point.


Princess Leia is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad
of armored stormtroopers. Her hands are bound and she is
brutally shoved when she is unable to keep up with the briskly
marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Vader
emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard
at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move.

LEIA: Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The
Imperial Senate will not sit still for this, when they hear you've attacked
a diplomatic...

VADER: Don't act so surprised, Your Highness. You weren't on any
mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.

LEIA: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the
Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan...

VADER: You are a part of the Rebel Alliance...and.... wait a minute.... you seem familiar, very familiar. I'm going to use my awesome dark side of the force powers to reach into your mind and.... holy crap, you're my DAUGHTER! Your midichlorian count is off the scale, sweetie! You should join me and we will rule the galaxy as father and daughter!

LEIA: There's no way I will ever join you!

VADER: Are you sure of that?

LEIA: More sure than I've ever been of anything!

VADER: Are you really sure? I mean really really sure?

LEIA: Certain. Don't ask me again.

VADER: Oh, well. (He chokes Leia to death with his awesomely awesome dark side powers and tosses her body against the bulkhead.) That never gets old.

VADER: Lackey! Come here! Have the command crew set course for the Death Star immediately! When I used my truly awesomely majorly awesome dark side powers on Leia over there, I was able to see that that dick, Kenobi hid both my children's existence from me. If I know that jerk who chopped off my legs and my arm, and I do, he's hidden himself and my son on my old stomping ground, Tattooine. He probably hasn't even given the kid a different last name. We shall test the Death Star's planet destruct-o-beam on Tattooine. This will serve to rid me of Kenobi, the teen-age son I don't want to think about, and probably a smuggler and wookie or two while we're at it. I just don't want anything that reminds me of Padme to exist any more.... (sobs quietly through mask).



Roll credits.

1 comment:

Jessie said...

Although, your version of Star Wars makes more sense, it robs us of an awesome characters in their entertaining story.